


Monsters and Mayhem and Magic, Oh My!

by Vythian



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, M/M, monster au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 16:15:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16478810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vythian/pseuds/Vythian
Summary: Deep in the wilds of the Canadian Plains, just east of the great mountains, there lies a town called Purgatory.Purgatory appears to be a town like any other. It has police officers and citizens and stores and schools. But Purgatory is not a town like any other. One very special thing sets it apart from all the other towns in Canada: there is not a single human in all of Purgatory.The monsters and magic users that call Purgatory home entrust their safety and secrecy to one elite group of agents. This is their story.





	Monsters and Mayhem and Magic, Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: For the purposes of this story, witches/warlocks, wizards, and werewolves are not considered human. They are, respectively, innate magic users, academic magic users, and lycanthropes. 
> 
> And the vampires are the normal awesome kind, not the glam-fanged Eurotrash kind.

Nicole was fuming.

“You can’t just curse everyone in sight and open up portals to Hell because the line at Starbucks is taking too long!”

She continued frog marching the grumpy wizard in front of her toward the holding cells. Her snakes hissed angrily, one of them poking out from under her ear to glare menacingly at him.

The wizard grunted as he tried to spin around and free his hands, but Nicole held fast. And if she wrenched his arms back a little harder than usual? Well, he burned a giant hole in the middle of her favorite uniform top.

“I am the high priest of the Cult of Darkness! I’m entitled to front of the line privileges!”

“Ugh,” Nicole groaned, sorely tempted to remove her mirrored sunglasses. “Stop squirming! I don’t care what you’re high priest of; you wait your turn like everyone else.”

“Stupid gorgon bitch!” he yelled as she tossed him into one of the fortified cells designed for magic users.

Nicole froze. Her snakes whipped around, hundreds of tiny fangs bared as they stared daggers at the wizard. Her pupils narrowed to slits behind her glasses and she took a deep breath to calm herself. Putting a hand on her sunglasses, she stared straight at the wizard and lowered them the slightest bit.

“What was that?” she asked sweetly.

“Nothing!” the wizard squeaked. “Sorry, Sheriff!”

“That’s what I thought you said,” Nicole bit out as she headed back to her office.

She reached the door to her office and paused to adjust the safety indicator under her nameplate. Nicole always felt like she was changing a dishwasher magnet from clean to dirty as she flicked the little cover to the left and revealed a pair of staring auburn eyes with slitted black pupils on a bright yellow background.

Shutting the door behind her, Nicole removed her mirrored sunglasses and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. This was the third wizard this week shouting about entitlement and trying to get their way in a literal blaze of glory.

Pulling her ruined shirt over her head, Nicole grabbed a fresh one from the closet in her office. She checked her side, satisfied that it had healed to only a moderate burn and some bruising, and pulled on the clean shirt.

She really needed to talk to the local council leaders before their people burned down all of Purgatory. Bringing in the coven might help as well.

Nicole flopped down into her chair, pressing the intercom button and leaning her head on her hand.

“Lonnie?” she called.

“Yeah, boss?” came the reply a moment later.

“Can you give Bunny Loblaw and Chrissy Nedley a call? I want to meet with them as soon as possible.”

“Sure thing, boss. Oh, and Waverly’s here.”

“Thanks, Lonnie.”

Nicole watched in amusement as a cloud of opaque grey smoke, moving as fluidly as water, crept in under her closed door. A moment later, Waverly Earp was standing in front of her.

“I never get tired of watching you do that,” Nicole said, Waverly’s presence already lifting her mood.

“Happy to see you too, babe.” Waverly smiled broadly, her fangs on full display. She meandered around to the other side of the desk, leaning against it and reaching for Nicole’s hands.

“I heard you’ve been having a rough night,” she said, playing with Nicole’s hands as as she pulled her chair closer.

_Oh, right._ Nicole had nearly forgotten how quickly word travelled among vampires. Something about the blood-bond of a coven. _It must’ve been that pipsqueak at Starbucks,_ she thought. Either way, Waverly was here now and her night was about to get a whole lot better.

“Mhmm,” she hummed and settled her hands on Waverly’s hips. “Some idiot wizard tried to burn down the Starbucks on Pine Street.”

“Seriously? And _just_ when I finally got them to switch to ethically harvested blood!” Waverly whined. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Nicole shrugged. “Just a bit singed around the edges.” She could practically _feel_ her snakes rolling their tiny eyes, exasperated at fireballs and portals to Hell being called ‘a _bit_ singed’. Just once, Nicole wished her snakes would get on board with the little white lies when it came to her personal life.

Waverly crossed her arms and looked her up and down, one eyebrow raised skeptically.

“Really, Waves,” Nicole sighed. “I’m fine. It’s already mostly healed.”

“Are you sure?” she asked worriedly.

“Positive.” Nicole smirked confidently, hoping her stupid snakes were playing along this time.

“Well,” Waverly purred, her eyes going black as night as she leaned down and cradled Nicole’s jaw in her hands. “I know just how to make you feel better.”

Nicole surged up, closing the distance between them and kissing Waverly like she had wanted to since she first appeared in her office. Waverly’s hands went to the back of her neck, stroking gently along the scales at the nape of her neck as she deepened the kiss.

Yeah, Nicole’s night was definitely getting bet—

_“Hey, Haughtstuff!”_

A number of things happened all at once. Nicole nearly jumped out of her chair. Waverly had disappeared. A split second after Wynonna phased through her back wall, the door to Nicole’s office burst open.

Nicole slammed her hand over her eyes to protect whoever had just come through, but instead hit something small and furry that was currently hugging her face. A freezing chill ran down her spine as Wynonna attempted to put herself between the living thing and Nicole’s eyes. Her snakes hissed as the thing on her face squeaked angrily.

“Nicole!” Jeremy skidded to a stop, his finned ears twitching as he tried to catch his breath. “I—”

_“God dammit Jeremy! Check the sign!”_ Nicole bellowed, squeezing her hand under the bat currently attached to her face.

“Waverly, I’ve got it! You can let go now,” she said exasperatedly as she blindly reached for the drawer she kept her glasses in.

Bat-Waverly fluttered angrily around the office. She zoomed up to Jeremy, squeaking loudly before flying pointedly next to the safety indicator on Nicole’s door that _clearly_ indicated it was not safe for living things.

“Wow,” Wynonna said, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck, “I did _not_ time that right.”

Waverly squeaked angrily in response, flying through Wynonna’s translucent form in her frustration.

“Anyway,” she shrugged. “Jeremy’s on his way to your office.”

Nicole slipped her glasses on and opened her eyes to see Jeremy standing awkwardly in the middle of her office next to Wynonna, who was less opaque than usual, and trying to swat a _very_ angry Waverly.

“Jeremy,” Nicole sighed. “We got the damn sign so you wouldn’t burst in here when I wasn’t wearing my glasses. What the hell was so important?”

“I sensed a human!” Jeremy exclaimed, panic rising in his voice. “In Purgatory! Well, on the outskirts of Purgatory, but still!”

“Okay, we’ve been over this,” Nicole groaned. “Human sensing is a myth.”

“No it isn’t!” Jeremy said indignantly. “All Nessies have it; it’s how we’ve stayed undetected for so long.”

Wynonna snorted.

“Dude, your mom is like the most famous monster on the planet.”

“Yeah, well they don’t know about her apartment in Edinburgh, do they?” Jeremy clapped his hand over his mouth. Wynonna looked like Christmas had come early.

“How does the Loch Ness Monster have an apartment in Edinburgh?” Nicole asked, as Bat-Waverly settled on her left shoulder.

“Does she look like you? Because seriously...” Wynonna looked him over. “How does she pull that off?”

Jeremy sighed and pulled out his phone. Wynonna was so excited she was nearly solid as she grabbed at it. A newspaper article was loading on the screen, the headline _Makeup Artist Dazzles Dozens on Royal Mile with Perfect Prosthetics_ above a picture of a woman who looked remarkably like Jeremy.

She looked to be in her mid forties, with striking blue eyes and pale amphibian skin bordering her hairline and extending past pointy finned ears. She was striking a pose, showing off prominent fins on her forearms and legs, with passersby attempting to find the line where her fin “prosthetics” were attached.

Jeremy rubbed the pale gray skin at the nape of his neck and sighed.

“Everyone thinks it’s makeup. She’s a street performer on the Royal Mile.”

Waverly squeaked in frustration, flapping a wing at one of Nicole’s snakes from her perch on her shoulder.

“Uh,” Jeremy said. “You can change back now, Waverly. Everything is fine.” He waved his arms and did an awkward little shimmy. “See? Not even a hint of granite.”

Nicole patted Waverly’s head and pushed her glasses up her nose.

“She can’t,” Nicole explained, “When she gets really emotional, sometimes she can get sort of… phase stuck. It’ll wear off as soon as she calms down.”

Nicole looked at the little bat on her shoulder, still squeaking angrily at Wynonna and Jeremy.

“Breathe, baby,” she murmured. “Like you practiced.”

The little bat took a few deep breaths and a moment later Waverly was standing in the office again.

_“Check. The. Sign,”_ Waverly hissed at Jeremy, eyes black and fangs bared.

“Okay!” He held his hands up in defeat. “I’ll check the sign next time!”

“Fantastic!” Waverly beamed and clapped her hands together as her eyes returned to normal. “Now what’s this about humans in Purgatory?”

* * *

 

“Hey, guys! How’s your night?” Robin said brightly as he stirred creamer into his coffee.

“Oh, you know, just another night on the job!” Waverly responded in matching tone as she poured fresh blood into her travel mug. “Love the new wrappings, by the way.”

Robin twirled happily, showing off his new red and gold ornaments and fresh linen wrappings.

“Thanks! I imported the linen myself. Prices at Mummarium are getting outrageous.”

“Well, you certainly pull them off.” Waverly beamed at him.

Nicole grumbled and stirred her coffee harder.

“None for me?” Wynonna asked, all too polite, next to her.

“Interrupting phantoms don’t get coffee privileges,” Nicole muttered.

“Please, Haughtstuff?” Wynonna clasped her hands together as she stood in the middle of the table. “I promise, no pranks for the rest of the week.”

Nicole thought about it. On the one hand, it was Saturday night and the week ended tomorrow. On the other, that was at least 24 hours without Wynonna startling her to stone.

“Fine,” she grouched, pouring black coffee into a rune-lined mug.

“ _Nam phantasmata decepturus_ ,” she chanted as she traced an intricate sigil above the mug. The runes on the mug glowed white, and she swiped it off the table and into the trash, the sound of shattering ceramic ringing out across the office space.

“Ah,” Wynonna hummed, reaching into the trash and pulling out a ghostly white version of the mug. She took a sip and sighed. “Perfect.”

“If you’re through ruining all the coffee mugs, we have business to attend to,” Dolls called to them, more smoke curling from his nostrils than usual.

“Chill out, captain fire fangs,” Wynonna huffed. “We’re comin’.”

Nicole took a seat next to Waverly as Wynonna drifted into the chair next to Doc, whose disembodied head was currently resting on the table. Robin leaned against the wall.

“Can you please take care of that?” Dolls gestured to Doc’s head, which sighed and turned milky white eyes in his direction.

“Jeremy was in the middle of attending to my post-bar brawl injuries when he was so rudely interrupted by news of the _human_ ,” Doc’s head said.

“Fine,” Dolls muttered. “He can fix your zombie ass up later.”

“Okay!” Jeremy clapped his hands together. “At 7:30 this evening I felt, in a totally appropriate and not at all weird place, the presence of a human. Most Nessie sense ranges are roughly 20 miles in any direction, which means that it has to be in Purgatory or on the outskirts of town.”

“Thank you, Jeremy,” Dolls said as he moved toward the center of the floor. Jeremy nodded and slouched against the wall next to Robin who put his arm reassuringly around his shoulders.

“We need to treat this as a credible threat,” Dolls continued. “There hasn’t been a human within Purgatory’s city limits for at least 600 years, and if there really is one among us, it must be dealt with.”

“Do you think it could be related to the wizards suddenly going crazy?” Nicole asked.

“What’s up with the wizards?” Wynonna asked as she took a sip of her coffee. “Bunny have them causing chaos again?”

“Yeah,” Nicole sighed. “Third time this week they’ve tried to burn something down or suck it into Hell.”

“That might be worth looking into,” Dolls mused. “Can you follow up on that?”

“Already scheduled a meeting with Chrissy and Bunny.”

“Good.” Dolls turned to Jeremy and Robin. “Can you two search for possible explanations?”

“Oh!” Waverly jumped up. “I can help! We can look for anything that might connect the wizard craziness with the human sighting.”

“Excellent plan, Waverly,” Doc drawled, his pale eyes glancing in Waverly’s direction but not looking at her because his neck was not currently available for turning his head. “But perhaps young Jeremy could finish fixing my head first. Then I can be out of your way.”

“Alright,” Nicole said, glancing at her watch and running her fingers through her snakes. “I gotta go prep for my meeting. Midnight services are over in 20 minutes.”

She headed for the door, Waverly tapping her butt affectionately as she went.

Wynonna snorted into her coffee.

* * *

Nicole adjusted her glasses nervously, her snakes twisting and turning around themselves as she busied herself with straightening the already-neat papers on her desk. She moved around to the front of her desk to check that nothing looked out of place. She _hated_ meeting with the wizard council. Especially when it involved Bunny freaking Loblaw.

At least Chrissy would be here to suffer with her.

There was a soft knock on her door as Nicole straightened her pencil holder for the fourth time that night.

“Come in!”

“Hey, Nicole,” Chrissy said softly, poking her head around the door before lightly pushing it open.

“Hey, Chrissy,” Nicole huffed out. “Thanks for coming. How are you doing with the new job?”

“Any time, Nicole,” Chrissy said tiredly as she sat in one of the two chairs in front of Nicole’s desk. “It’s alright. I didn’t expect to be taking over the coven so soon, but after the wood nymph debacle last year, dad was just ready for retirement.”

Nicole leaned back against the desk, arms crossed in front of her.

“I know what you mean.” She tried to sound reassuring. “I didn’t expect to be promoted so soon either.”

They spent the next half hour commiserating over their newfound workloads.

“Wow,” Nicole said. “When Nedley said Bunny liked to work on her own time, I didn’t think he meant she’d be 45 minutes late.”

“Yeah,” Chrissy exhaled, trying to rub the sleep out of her eyes. She glanced at her watch to see it was nearly two in the morning. “She’s a bitch and a half, that’s for sure.”

They straightened up as three sharp knocks sounded through the office.

Bunny Loblaw burst into the office, eyes pinched shut a she stomped toward here she thought her chair might be.

“You can open your eyes, you heinous gorgon-hater,” Chrissy seethed.

Nicole sighed; this was going to be a _long_ meeting.

“I simply wanted to protect myself against any potential _accidents_.” Bunny sneered, acting like she hadn’t just been talking to the filing cabinet and taking her seat in a huff.

“Well, Bunny, we did put a sign on the door to prevent any such accidents,” Nicole said not-so-patiently, fingers steepled in front of her as she sat behind her desk and tried to take deep breaths. Her snakes were, thankfully, calm, though they were staring daggers at Bunny.

“Oh, I take no stock in that, dear. Who knows when was the last time you remembered to change it?”

Chrissy’s hands started to glow white, her control over her power waning the angrier she got. Bunny pretended not to notice.

“I’m sure you’re both wondering why I called you here tonight.” Nicole spoke loudly, hoping to avoid a magic fight in her office so soon into her tenure as Sheriff.

“Yes, why _did_ you feel the need to call me here?” Bunny sneered.

Chrissy looked apologetic and nodded for Nicole to continue.

“As you both must be aware,” she started. “There have been a number of incidents involving magic users in the past few weeks. While most incidents—”

Chrissy’s cough sounded conspicuously like ‘all’.

“—have involved wizards, I am talking to the both of you to ensure that you reign in your respective council and coven members,” Nicole continued. “We cannot have people demanding privileges just because they are magic users and burning establishments to the ground when they are not afforded those privileges.”

“Well,” Bunny said nervously. “You can’t expect us to be responsible for _every_ —”

“As leader of the Purgatory chapter of the International Wizard’s Council, I do expect you to be responsible for every wizard in Purgatory, Bunny.” Nicole struggled to reign in her own fury. “That is _literally_ your job.”

“I, uh—” Bunny’s hands crept toward her eyes. Nicole realized her snakes were baring their fangs.

She brushed her hands over them, calming them and pushing their heads behind her back.

“Bunny, just talk to your people, okay?” Nicole grumbled. “No more fires.”

“You can’t exactly blame them.”

“Yes we can!” Chrissy rounded on Bunny, standing so quickly that her chair slammed into the floor, palms glowing with the natural magic of her coven. “You’re giving magic users a terrible reputation!”

Bunny reached for the runestones at her belt, the matching sigils on her hands beginning to glow blue.

“Hey!”

Nicole was around her desk faster than either of them could blink. She pulled Chrissy back and pushed Bunny toward the other side of the office in one fluid motion.

“No fights in my office!”

Bunny mumbled something about Chrissy not being a proper leader and Nicole nearly lost her grip as she tried to get to her.

“Just get out,” Nicole sighed, not letting Chrissy go until Bunny was not just out of her office but out of the bullpen, too, for good measure.

“You’ve gotta just brush her off, Chris.”

“I know.” Chrissy sighed in frustration. “It’s just hard sometimes.”

“I know it is, but you’re better than her.” Nicole smiled reassuringly. “Just... tell the witches and warlocks to be on the lookout, okay? The council is up to something, and we could use the extra sets of eyes.”

“Sure thing, Sheriff.” Chrissy waved as she left.

Nicole reached for her phone.

“Dolls, the wizards are up to something.”

* * *

“Oh!” Wynonna gleefully clapped her hands together. “What’s Bun Bun up to now?”

“Nicole thinks she and the wizards are planning something.” Dolls looked over his notes from his call with Nicole as Jeremy, Robin, and Waverly searched through tomes, texts, and scrolls on the other side of the room. “The incidents are escalating, and Bunny was more brazen than usual. I sent her and Chrissy to talk with Nedley.”

“And what, pray tell, does that have to do with us?” Doc asked, testing out his newly glued-together neck.

“I need you and Wynonna to tail Bunny. She was last seen heading toward the outskirts of town.”

“No can do, boss man,” Wynonna said.

“And why not?” Dolls ground out, sparks coming out his nose with each breath.

“After the last time I scared her halfway to phantomhood, she got a detector crystal.” Wynonna shrugged. “No undetected phantoms for 500 feet in every direction.”

“Alright, fine.” Dolls took a deep breath and brushed his hand over the raised scales that ran down the middle of his head like a mohawk. “Doc and I will tail Bunny.”

“Aw, hell,” Doc groaned.

“I’ll go check with some of the other phantoms,” Wynonna’s voice echoed through the room as she phased through the back wall.

Doc and Dolls followed her exit from the room, already bickering about the best ways to tail a wizard as paranoid as Bunny.

* * *

“Ugh, there’s nothing here!” Waverly lamented into the silence and slammed the heavy tome in front of her shut. “Apparently it’s impossible to stop a wizard once they get going.”

“I’m coming up empty as well,” Robin said dejectedly.

Jeremy rubbed his eyes. “I’ve got nothing too.”

Waverly propped her head on her hand, looking at their woefully empty board of clues. “All we know is that a thousand years ago a bunch of humans slaughtered half the citizens of Purgatory because the the magical protections failed. How does that help us with a single human outside the city?”

Jeremy and Robin shrugged. They had all been there when the protections were renewed 20 years ago, and they knew the renewal had been flawless.

“Moonset is in half an hour,” Waverly grumbled. “And I need caffeine.”

“Smoothies?” Robin asked.

“Smoothies!” Jeremy clapped his hands together, jumping out of his seat and heading for the door.

They wandered down main street toward their favorite establishment, The Black Cup, enjoying the bright light of the full moon and chatting animatedly.

“So where’s Nicole?” Robin wondered aloud. “She usually joins us on our late night beverage excursions.”

“I sent her home. Her meeting with Nedley isn’t for another 4 hours, and this is her third double shift this week.” Waverly sighed. “Even her hair is exhausted.”

“Aw,” Robin cooed as he put his arm around her shoulders. “Don’t worry, Waves. I’m sure things will settle down soon.”

“Yeah, and I’ll help look after her.” Jeremy said from her other side as he put his arm over Robin’s. “You guys might not technically need sleep, but we do.”

Waverly smiled, her spirits lifting for the first time since they had been interrupted in Nicole’s office. She really missed her girlfriend.

The bell above the door chimed as they entered The Black Cup, joining the line behind a bigfoot tour group.

“Sea kelp and Lochweed smoothie, please,” Jeremy ordered brightly as they approached the very bored looking goblin at the register. “And whatever they’re having.”

“I’ll take hypercaffeinated Type A, body temp,” Waverly smiled politely.

“Plum and date blend. And can I add a scoop of powdered scarab?” The goblin nodded at Robin as she scribbled down their orders.

They grabbed their drinks from the to-go counter and headed back out into the night.

“The moon really is beautiful tonight,” Waverly said. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen it this bright.”

“My mom used to tell me stories of moons like this.” Jeremy sipped his smoothie and watched the moon sink lower over the horizon. “The brightest moon she ever saw was around this time of year, about six hundred years ago…”

He trailed off, eyes wide as realization dawned on him. A moment later, Waverly and Robin stared at him in shock as they realized what he meant.

Waverly downed the rest of her blood in a few gulps.

“The moon!” She looked between the two of them excitedly. “Bunny’s been tracking the moon! I’ll meet you back at the station!”

There was a puff of wind and she was gone.

Jeremy and Robin looked to each other and sipped their smoothies.

“The coven and the council _have_ always said that the moon makes them stronger,” Robin mused, slipping his arm around Jeremy’s waist as they headed back toward the station.

“That’s true,” Jeremy said. “But I didn’t think the power difference was enough to be worrying.”

They glanced around, noticing just how bright their surroundings were. Nearly as bright as day.

“I think we should be very worried,” Robin murmured, his arm tightening around Jeremy as they hurried back to their research.

* * *

“Whiskey, on the rocks.” Wynonna ordered as she strode up to the bar.

“What, no hello?” Rosita asked from behind the counter, already preparing her drink.

“Hi, Rosita, can I have my whiskey now?” she snarked.

“What’s got your phantom panties in a twist?” Rosita shot back, ears twitching in amusement.

She traced the sigil and smashed the glass against the outside of the bar, letting the remnants fall into the trash below Wynonna’s seat.

“Just working,” Wynonna grumbled as she took a swig of her whiskey.

“Oh no wonder you’re so grumpy!” Mercedes called from the other side of the bar, her eyes sparkling mischeviously. “Bitch, you hate to work!”

Rosita snorted and tried to hide her laughter.

“Great to see you too, Succubitch!” Wynonna called over her shoulder, good-naturedly flipping her off as she headed for the boarded up back room of Shorty’s that acted as an ‘Incorporeals Only’ space.

The back room at Shorty’s was nearly identical to the front room, though it was smaller and without a mortal bardenter.

Wynonna plopped down onto a stool and threw back the rest of her whiskey.

“What, no local brews?”

Perry Crofte raised his glass in a toast from the barstool to her left.

“Not a chance,” she gasped as she felt the echo of whiskey burn down her throat. “Phantom-made spirits are garbage. Hardly even get you drunk.”

“That’s fair.” He chuckled. “What brings you back here? I don’t often see you on the phantom side of things.”

“I was actually looking for you.” Wynonna winked seductively at him.

“That’s really flattering, Wynonna, but—” Perry floundered.

Wynonna burst out laughing. “Chill, dude, I heard you had a run in with Bunny Loblaw a few weeks ago and I wanted to know what it was about.”

“Oh,” Perry said, downing his the rest of his New Phantom beer. “That.”

Wynonna leaned on the bartop, eyebrows knit together in concern.

“What did she do to you, Per?”

“It’s not like that, Wynonna,” he said. He couldn’t meet her eyes. “She didn’t _do_ anything.”

“Then what happened?”

“She asked me to divert money from the Monster Children’s Charity to some personal account of hers. Said she wanted to use it to better wizardkind, that it was desperately needed.”

Perry was scared. Wynonna could see him solidifying on his barstool.

“She said that she was going to expel the dirty ghost trash from Purgatory for good. Wanted to force us into a different afterlife or something.”

Perry looked up, eyes wide with fear as he sat, solid as when he was alive.

“I know I wasn’t supposed to hear the last part, but she said she was going to send the rest of the monster trash there with us.”

Wynonna thought of Waverly. If that bitchy little rune-stained shitwaffle laid one hand on her sister, she was going to—

“Wynonna!” Perry shouted, trying to get her attention.

“Huh?”

He pointed to her hands, which were now as solid as his.

“Just… don’t go after her, okay? Bunny is all bark and no bite, and there’s no way she could actually do what she said, right?”

“Right.” _As far as you know,_ she thought.

“Well, do you want to join me for a drink? Neither of us is getting through that door right now.”

Wynonna snorted and took the disgusting beer. She needed to get back to the station. But first, she needed to be damn near _transparent._

* * *

“You, sir, are much too warm.” Doc groaned as they trekked through the forest on the outskirts of town. They had been following Bunny’s trail for nearly an hour and he had already lost half his right arm to a tree branch that Dolls had let nearly smack him in the face. He carried it in his left hand.

Dolls glanced over his shoulder, his golden eyes glinting slightly in the moonlight.

“Dragon.” He deadpanned with a quirked eyebrow.

“Core of magma, yes. I do believe you have shared that particular detail on multiple occasions.”

Doc squinted. He could just barely see the steam coming off Dolls, and he slowed his pace a little more. Unfortunate side effect of zombieism? A terrible fear of fire. At least his skin had only paled instead of going mottled like some of his older counterparts.

A tree branch swung back toward his face, nearly knocking his head off his shoulders. Again.

“Are you trying to make me lose my head?” Doc grumbled.

“No.” Dolls paused, thoughtful. “But it would definitely be an improvement.”

“Wait a minute…” Doc paused and sniffed at the air. “I think Jeremy was right. Smells slightly human.”

“Quiet!” Dolls whispered loudly, signaling for them to crouch low and move quietly. Doc rolled his eyes but followed.

They crept up the tree-covered hill and paused just before a clearing, making sure they stayed hidden in the shadows at the edge of the forest.

There, just at the edge of the clearing, stood Bunny freaking Loblaw. With what appeared to be a human.

He was tall, with a well-groomed beard that featured a large blonde patch on the left side. His fingers were ornamented with many rings, and bracelets in protective stones glinted on his wrists. The man wore a heavy fur coat, and they could see an array of crosses and bullets of various metals tucked into a belt around his waist. A black duffel bag sat near his left foot.

Doc looked to Dolls and made a complicated hand gesture. Dolls looked on in confusion as he snickered at the nonsense he had signed. Rolling his eyes, Dolls listened hard in the quiet night, trying to hear what Bunny and the man were saying.

“Did you get it?” Bunny asked primly.

“Get it? Lady, this has been a specialty of my family’s for the past seven generations.” The man sneered, hands sitting loosely on his belt. “How else do you think we managed to become the greatest monster hunters in the world? You ever taken down a raging werewolf by yourself?”

“Unfortunately, no.” Bunny pouted.

Doc growled from his spot on the hill and Dolls’ breath was so hot it boiled the water in the air around them.

“Here,” the man leaned down and unzipped the duffel bag, tossing a bag full of red powder to Bunny.

She opened the bag and inhaled, the runes on her hands and arms glowing bright red as she did.

“Is that…?” Doc whispered, apprehension in his voice

“Red ash,” Dolls whispered gravely. “Illegal in every country on earth and most other dimensions.”

“You promised me monster hides?” the man questioned, though it sounded more like a demand than an inquiry.

Bunny scowled. “You’ll have your dirty dead monsters. I’ll even take you with me. As long as you ensure they _all_ end up dead.”

“Oh,” the man grinned as he kicked the duffel bag over to Bunny. “I think I can manage that.”

Doc and Dolls crept quietly back into the forest. Once they could no longer see or hear Bunny and the human, they took off running.

Sixteen branches later, and Doc was scattered across the forest floor, yelling for Dolls.

“I’m right here, you big baby!” Dolls huffed, his breath glowing gold with the remnants of fire.

He held up a backpack that he had found… somewhere. Doc really didn’t want to know as Dolls began stuffing his arms and legs into the bag.

“Hold on tight, you clammy bastard,” he snarked as he perched Doc’s head atop the backpack and swung it over his shoulder.

* * *

“Okay,” Jeremy tapped his pen against his lips. “We know the protections have failed before and that moonlight makes magic users stronger.”

“We also know that this particular Blood Moon is stronger than it’s been in six hundred years.” Robin called from the other side of the room, lunar and star charts laid out over the table in front of him. “It’s why the coven is going all out for the festival tomorrow.”

“Bunny has to have been tracking the moons!” Waverly said, book balanced in one hand as she wrote furiously on the whiteboard. “She’s been getting more brazen, right? And the wizards are attacking with almost no provocation.”

She whirled around, looking excitedly at Jeremy. “They’ve been testing their strength! That’s why there have been so many disturbances recently!”

The door to the office slammed open as Waverly was halfway through her celebratory high five with Jeremy. Dolls stormed into the room, dumping his backpack full of Doc onto a table as he stormed up to the whiteboard.

_“Red ash."_

“Totally illegal!” Waverly grimaced at her response. Dolls looked ready to go full dragon on someone.

“Bunny is using the human to smuggle _red ash_ into Purgatory.” He paced back and forth, quickly reading over the information Jeremy, Waverly, and Robin had gathered. “In return, he’ll be allowed to kill us. Says he’s from a long line of monster hunters.”

“Was there a white patch on his beard?” Jeremy asked, picking a dusty book off the table and flipping through the pages.

“There was,” Dolls confirmed.

“He must be a Del Rey, then,” Jeremy said, holding the book up to show them a photo of the man with the words _Bobo Del Rey_ underneath it. “They really are the best monster hunters in the world. Bobo is the only one left.”

“Nuh ah humu!” Doc’s muffled yelling came from the rucksack. Dolls had zipped the flap shut over his mouth.

Jeremy ran to the backpack, grabbing his jumbo container of Extra Strength Zombie Glue before skidding to a stop, unzipping Doc’s head.

“He is not a human!” Doc gasped out. “He was over the line in Purgatory proper!”

“Could Bunny have messed with the protections?” Jeremy asked. “Shielded the human from them, maybe? Because I sensed a human.”

“I am telling you, Jeremy, that man is not a human,” Doc insisted, waving his newly reattached arm.

“Uh, guys?” Waverly asked.

“He _has_ to be a human!” Jeremy shoved Doc’s other arm back on with more force than strictly necessary.

“I am telling you, he is _not_!”

“Guys!” Waverly yelled.

“Whether he is a human or not is irrelevant right now!” Dolls interjected as he studied the whiteboard.

“It is totally relevant!” Jeremy shouted.

“Then _how_ did he get past the magical protections?” Doc growled.

“ _Everybody shut up!_ ” Waverly bellowed, her eyes going black as she resisted the urge to glamour them all into submission.

Jeremy froze, Zombie Glue poised to reattach Doc’s head, which was staring at her. Dolls turned to look at her, arms crossed over his chest as he nodded for her to continue. Robin looked up from the star charts, glad he no longer had to pretend to ignore the screaming match.

“Much better,” Waverly huffed indignantly. “I think Bunny is going to use the power of the Blood Moon and red ash to take over Purgatory.”

“Don’t forget zap the rest of us into nonexistence!” Wynonna said angrily as she phased halfway through the office door.

“Stupid _emotions_ ,” she grumbled as she tried to yank her semisolid foot through the door. Shouting in frustration, she phased back through the door. A moment later, the door opened and a sullen Wynonna stomped into the room.

“I talked to Perry,” she said. “Bunny threatened to force him into the afterlife because he wouldn’t defund a charity to fund her wizard project. Then she threatened to send the rest of the monster trash there, too.”

Waverly’s shoulders slumped. “I knew she was evil, but wiping the rest of us out? And partnering with a human to do it?” She shook her head.

“Yeah,” Wynonna spat. “Ol’ Bun Bun’s really gone off the deep end this time.”

“She’s got red ash,” Dolls murmured.

“Well, _shit_. We’re screwed.”

“Stop, squirming and—ow!” Nicole yelped from the hall.

Robin rushed to open the door and Nicole strode in, the former Sheriff Nedley tossed over her shoulder and a struggling Chrissy tucked under her arm. Her eyes were shut tight and her snakes were wild, tiny fangs bared.

“I’m gonna kill him!” Chrissy yelled, half upside down and struggling hard. Nicole banged into a table and grunted in pain.

“Any living thing would do well to shut their eyes now!” She yelled, dumping Chrissy and Nedley unceremoniously on the floor.

Jeremy, Dolls, Chrissy, and Nedley squeezed their eyes shut.

Reaching for her spare glasses, Nicole glanced around the room, surprised that everyone was gathered so early in the morning. And looking so glum.

“Any new discoveries?” she asked cautiously, settling her glasses on her nose and running her fingers over her snakes to calm them. “You’re all good to go.”

The living beings opened their eyes. Nedley and Chrissy blinked up at everyone from their spots on the floor.

“Why did you cart the Nedleys here like some serpentine taxi service?” Wynonna pointed her finger at each of them in turn.

“Oh, that.” Nicole turned to glare at the witch and warlock on the floor. “We were having a lovely cup of coffee, discussing Bunny’s previous attempt to take over Purgatory, when these two idiots attacked a warlock just because he was being a speciesist toolbag.”

“Was it Carl again?” Waverly popped her head out from behind Dolls, who was tensed for a fight.

“Carl is a hunk of useless marble now,” Nedley groaned out as he got to his feet.

“Kind of an improvement if you ask me,” Chrissy muttered, standing beside her father with her arms crossed over her chest.

“Wait a minute.” Dolls held up a hand. “Bunny tried to take power before?”

“Well yeah,” Nedley drawled. “You’ve met the woman. She seem like the type of person to be happy with her lot in life?”

He was met with blank stares.

“That’s what I thought. When I was new to the force, Bunny tried to turn the wizards against the rest of the town. Wanted to _elevate her brethren_ , she said. Take their rightful place as rulers of our world, or something to that extent.”

“What happened?” Jeremy asked nervously.

“Put her in her place!” Nedley laughed to himself. “You all shoulda seen her face. So shocked that, what did she call me? Oh right! _An uneducated feelings jockey_.  She’s been sour ever since.”

“And now she has red ash,” Dolls added.

“And the most powerful Blood Moon in 600 years.” Waverly pinched the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t help but feel like they were missing something.

“I can bring her in tonight,” Nicole said. “We need to contain her before the festival tomorrow.”

She was nearly to the door when something that sounded like an explosion echoed down the hall. A split second later and the hallway was covered in dust and rubble. Somewhere in the commotion, Lonnie howled.

“Get down!” Nicole called to them as she flipped a table on its side and ducked behind it

Everyone but Wynonna followed suit, Robin diving behind Jeremy’s table as a fireball whizzed through the door and slammed into the whiteboard.

“Aw, hell,” Doc groaned, propping his torso up against his table and reaching for his pistol. “Let’s hope this works.”

“How the hell are these going to protect us from a bunch of red ash addicted wizards?” Robin whispered to Jeremy, panic in his voice.

“Don’t worry. We fire and Hellfire-proofed the tables after an unfortunate incident with a hellhound last year,” Jeremy reassured him, pulling him away from the edge of the table.

The wall shuddered and exploded inward as wizards streamed into the room, their runes all glowing red.

“Come out, gorgon bitch! I know you’re in here!” the wizard from the night before sing-songed gleefully, freshly energized from the dose of red ash his brethren brought for him.

“ _Shit,_ ” Nicole swore, glancing over the table and ducking quickly as another fireball whizzed by just over her head  _The Hellfire-proofing isn’t going to last much longer,_ she thought desperately.

Dolls knelt next to her.

“I can’t fire breathe on them,” he said. “They’re impervious with all that red ash in their systems.”

“Can they hurt you?”

He stuck his hand up, letting a fireball smash into his forearm. He grinned as Nicole’s snakes hissed at the shower of sparks that fell around them.

“I’m think I’m good.” He chuckled. “I’ll run distraction with Wynonna.”

“I hope this still works,” Nicole muttered nervously. Dolls nodded in response and ducked around their table as she put her glasses in her pocket. She knew he wouldn’t look back.

“Oi!” he called from somewhere on her right. “Rune-head!”

A wave of fire smashed into the first row of wizards, barely knocking them back.

One table over, Nedley and Chrissy were whispering a few words of offering as their hands glowed white. Nedley focused hard on the table as it levitated a few feet off the ground before flying forward, smashing into the nearest wizards with enough force to crack in two. He and Chrissy quickly joined the fray.

“Over here, shit for brains!” Wynonna called from above Nedley. A flurry of fireballs hit the wall as she disappeared. Waverly took advantage of the distraction and sprinted to Nicole’s table, pulling her down so they were covered.

“Not very bright, are they?” she mused.

“I’ve heard red ash increases their power but kills their intelligence. Guess I heard right,” she said with a smile.

“Any time, lovebirds!” Wynonna yelled from somewhere overhead.

“Right.” Waverly shook out her arms as her eyes turned black. “Let me try to glamour them before we go full stone, okay?”

“Okay.” Nicole pulled her in, kissing her quick. Then she was gone.

Nicole slipped her glasses back on. “Time to get this party started.”

She vaulted herself over the table, and rushed the wizard closest to her.

Waverly raced through the crowd of wizards, hands brushing as many as she could reach. She completed a lap of the room and took a deep breath, reaching out with her mind to find those she had glamoured and trying to ignore the fighting around her.

“Stop.”

It was hushed, but the glamoured wizards heard it as if it had been screamed.

Waverly pointed a the empty wall to her right, just in front of Dolls. “Go sit.”

She strained with the effort to keep them all obedient as 20 wizards fell over themselves to sit against the wall.

“Good wizards,” she cooed. “Now, stay on time out until I say otherwise, okay?”

She smiled as a chorus of _‘okay’_ and _‘anything for you’_ sounded across the room.

“Oh, now we can’t have that, can we dear?” Bunny Loblaw appeared behind Waverly, a polished wooden stake in her hand and red glowing runes covering her hands.

“When the hell did wizards learn to teleport?” Waverly backed up slowly. She couldn’t turn, couldn’t change, not with so many under her control. And she _needed_ to keep them under control.

“Around the time we learned to stop caring what half-breed scum think of us,” Bunny hissed with derision, a gleeful smile on her face as she advanced on Waverly.

“No!”

Nicole felt like she was under water.

Bunny raising the stake, Waverly putting her hands up but unwilling to leave the rest of them in danger, even to save herself.

Her pupils narrowed to slits and her snakes flared, every muscle in her body coiled as if to strike. She threw the wizard to the floor, tiles sending up puffs of debris where they cracked under the force.

Her glasses clattered to the floor as she threw herself between Bunny and Waverly.

Bunny blinked. Her arm was poised to strike, but she was not striking.

She looked up and noticed she was not the only one holding the stake. And that there was a very angry hissing coming from whoever was at the end of that other arm.

“Bunny,” Nicole sang, her voice sickly sweet.

Bunny squeezed her eyes shut. Waverly backed away. Wynonna fell to the ground, her fury making her solid as stone. She immediately grabbed the nearest wizard and threw her through a wall.

“Open your eyes, Bunny.”

“Not until you let me go!” Bunny struggled in Nicole’s tight grip.

Nicole twitched her hand, ripping the stake from Bunny’s grasp. She flinched as, somewhere behind her, Chrissy blasted a wizard through one of the office windows.

“ _Open your eyes, Bunny_.” Nicole’s voice was harsher, more desperate.

“You can’t make me!” Bunny squeaked.

“She can’t,” Waverly growled. “But I can.”

She slammed her fist into Bunny’s ribs.

Bunny gasped for breath, her eyes opening involuntarily. The last thing she ever saw was the fury in Nicole’s eyes.

“It’s about time!” Wynonna shouted, smashing marble-Bunny to pieces.

Nicole jumped in front of Waverly as Wynonna swung the sledgehammer again.

“Where the hell did you get a sledgehammer?!”

“Spare office.” Wynonna pointed over her shoulder. She took a few more swings as she slowly faded to her usual opacity. Bunny was now a pile of rubble on the floor.

With Bunny gone and the red ash wearing off fast, they made quick work of the rest of the wizards. Dolls and Jeremy helped move the three new marble statues Nicole had created while Waverly marched her charges down to the holding cells. Nedley, Chrissy, and Robin began sweeping and tidying the office as best they could.

Robin was sweeping up the remains of marble-Bunny when a tall man with a white patch on his beard wandered in through the hole in the wall.

“Hello, could you kindly point me in the direction of Bunny Loblaw?” he asked. Robin’s eyes widened and his fingers twitched as he recognized Bobo Del Rey from the photo Jeremy had shown them. Nedley and Chrissy were staring at him.

“If you’ll wait right here, I can go and get her for you.” He backed up slowly, heading for the offices where everyone had congregated.

“You guys!” He slammed the door behind him, drawing stares from Doc, Jeremy, Wynonna, Dolls, and Nicole.

“Bobo Del Rey is standing outside.” Robin began to pace, panic evident in his voice and his unravelling wrappings.

“How do we handle this?” Jeremy looked from Robin to Dolls and back.

Dolls thought for a moment.

“Nicole and I will subdue him until he can be relocated out of Purgatory and the protections can be examined for flaws.”

They exited the office and approached cautiously.

“Snakes!” Bobo exclaimed as they walked closer. “You are made of snakes!”

He reached into his jacket and whipped out a heavy-looking wooden cross. “You shall come no closer!”

“Okay,” Nicole held her hands up. “No closer.”

“Sir—”

“Demon!” Bobo shouted, pointing his cross at Dolls. He held his hands up but continued slowly approaching. Nicole followed suit.

Drawing Bobo’s attention away, Nedley moved slowly out of the shadows, his hands up to show he held no weapons.

“Son, can you tell me why in the hell you supplied illegal and highly dangerous substances to that obnoxious pile of rubble over there?”

Bobo looked from Nedley to the pile of rubble that was marble-Bunny. Comprehension dawned on him

“She was touched by Hell, but who else could help me purge the world of filth like this?!” He waved the cross toward Dolls and Nicole.

“Sir,” Nicole said, taking another step closer. “We really need you to calm down.”

Bobo was hyperventilating and on the verge of full blown panic. Dolls followed his line of sight to see Jeremy, Robin, Doc, and Wynonna peeking around the door.

“Get back!” Bobo yelled.

“ _Sir_ ,” Dolls said firmly. “You know we can’t do that.”

“I said get _back_!” Nicole and Dolls flew across the room and landed in a heap on the floor, confusion written across their faces as they hit the ground

“Alright, that’s enough of that!” Nedley’s hands glowed bright white as he pushed Bobo to the floor and held him there, hands hovering over him. Bobo was rocking back and forth, his hands glowing white.

“Not again. Never again. Not ever,” he muttered to himself.

Nicole rubbed the back of her head as she stood, her snakes shaking themselves out indignantly.

“What was that?” she asked. “I thought you said he was a human.”

“Looks like you were wrong.” Nedley sighed.

He turned to Bobo, kneeling so that he could look him in the eyes.

“Son,” he said gently. “When you were young, did you ever want something only to have it appear or move light from your lamp?”

Bobo’s head snapped up. “That was the _devil!”_

His arms moved jerkily as he tried to resist the magic that tied him to the floor. “It was beaten out of me a long time ago! I am _pure_. I am a vessel of God put on this earth to beat back forces of evil like you!”

“Oh, son, someone really did a number on you didn’t they.” Nedley clicked his tongue sadly. “Afraid this isn’t going to help things much at this point.” He punched him hard in the face, and Bobo slumped on the ground, unconscious.

Waverly appeared in the doorway a moment later, back from delivering the wizards to holding.

“What did I miss?”

* * *

_"Nam phantasmata decepturus”_

Nicole smashed the bottle of whiskey on the floor and grinned as Wynonna picked up its ghostly counterpart.

“Frost me.” Nicole held her glass up.

Wynonna motioned for cheers, swinging her bottle through Nicole’s bourbon. Nicole watched her glass frost over as the phantom booze chilled her bourbon.

“We did good.” she hummed.

Wynonna nodded resolutely. “We done good.”

Nicole smiled as she watched Waverly laugh with Chrissy over some moonlight joke. She attempted to lean her head on Wynonna’s shoulder, nearly tipping over as her head continued through her shoulder toward the floor.

“Damn, Haughtstuff,” Wynonna chuckled. “How many drinks have you had?”

Nicole held up her hand and counted intently.

“This many, I think.” She was not holding up any fingers.

“Oh sister, dear!” Wynonna called. “Come take your gorgon home!”

Waverly glanced up, biting back a laugh as Nicole swayed on the spot. She bid goodbye to Chrissy and waved to the others as she made her way toward them.

“Come on, baby,” she cooed as Nicole slung her arm around her shoulder. “Let’s get you home.”

“You are so pretty and I love you so much,” Nicole mumbled as Waverly led her out the door.

“So,” Robin began as Wynonna floated closer. “What do you think will happen to Bobo?”

“Eh.” Wynonna floated past them and through the wall.

“He’ll be rehabilitated, if I have anything to say about it,” Nedley said, sipping his spiced mead as he wandered over. “That poor man had his powers bound as a child, and not to mention the brainwashing!”

“Is that why I felt him as human?” Jeremy asked.

Nedley nodded sadly. “I’ve never seen a case that severe.”

“Maybe we can help?” Jeremy said hopefully. “Like visit him and stuff.”

“That’s a great idea, son.” Nedley smiled and took another sip of his mead.

Robin glanced thoughtfully toward the office where Bobo was being held.

“I wonder if he likes jazz?”

**Author's Note:**

> Purgatory is a town like any other. But unlike any other town, there is still not a single human in all of Purgatory.
> 
> Happy Halloween Everyone!


End file.
